Polygamy and Politics
by heteroceric-heart
Summary: Link/Zelda AU. Link, who has long since had a crush on Zelda, seeks romantic help from his friends Mikau and Sheik. However, not everything goes exactly according to plan…


**camarilla** \kam-uh-RIL-uh; -REE-yuh\

_noun_:  
A group of secret and often scheming advisers, as of a king; a cabal or clique.

* * *

**Polygamy and Politics**

Heavy rock music thundered through the basement, literally vibrating the walls with the violence of the sound. Vain shouts tried to cut through a particularly impressive guitar solo, only to fail miserably; the quick chords (accompanied by an enthusiastic air-guitar solo) played on. Finally, one of the shouters staggered over to the stereo, clasping his ears in a desperate attempt to keep his eardrums intact, and clumsily kicked the "off" button.

Sheik, his solo rock session interrupted, blinked mid-thrum. "Hey, what's the deal, Mikau?" he shouted, still not acclimated to the lack of sound.

"You're forgetting our purpose for being here, I think," Mikau said dryly, tossing his bag onto the couch. "As impressive as your air-guitar concerts are, we're gonna have to put it on hold until we help Link."

"Guys, this isn't really necessary--"

"No, Link. It _is_ necessary, it really is," Mikau swiftly interrupted, grabbing a much-abused notebook out of his bag.

"I don't need this...this _intervention _or whatever it is you're doing, I just...need more time," Link said firmly, but he didn't move to leave.

"Oh yeah, _that's_ what this is about," Sheik said with a sigh. Slinging an arm over Link's shoulders, he said with a smirk, "Man, if we gave you any more time, she'd be dead by the time you worked up your courage."

"You _really_ think you're funny, don't you?" Link said sarcastically, shrugging his way out from under Sheik's arm.

"He's right, though, Link," Mikau admitted. "You've been chasing after Zelda for how long now?"

Link just crossed his arms, stubbornly remaining silent.

"That's what I thought," Mikau said knowingly. After seeing the look on Link's face, he moved over to him and clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, it may seem condescending, but we really are trying to help you."

"We have your absolute best interests at heart," Sheik said dramatically, clasping both hands to his heart, "and we promise no humiliation will ensue from our program."

Mikau gave Sheik a skeptical look. "Well, let's not bet the farm on _that," _Turning to Link, he said more optimistically,"But we do guarantee that, with our careful guidance, you will have successfully captured dear Zelda's heart by the week's end."

"You can guarantee that?" Link said hopefully, beginning to become drawn in. "How?"

"With this magic baby right here!" Sheik said, snatching the notebook out of Mikau's hand and waving it in Link's face.

"Okay," Mikau began, seeing Link's expression of utter confusion, "So, what do girls like in a guy?" He gestured to the battered notebook lavishly and said, "This, my dear friend, holds the answer to that trickiest of questions."

"It's a list we've made over the years to help us get girls," Sheik explained. "Since you were so hung up on Zelda, we really didn't think you'd need it, but apparently you suck at wooing even one woman, so…"

"Okay, so what exactly is on this "list?" Link asked suspiciously, effectively cutting Sheik off.

"Traits that women generally find attractive in a male, conclusive of our own experiences," Mikau said as reclaimed the book from Sheik and started flipping through the pages. After finding the right page, he shoved the notebook into Link's hands and pointed to a term at the top of the list. "See? One of the most attractive traits: intelligence (or the illusion of)."

"Intelligence?"

"Exactly. And what is something that is almost always sure to make you sound smart?" Mikau asked expectantly.

"The quadratic formula!" Sheik exclaimed, looking very pleased with himself.

"Okay, genius, and how exactly is Link supposed to make any interesting conversation with the quadratic formula?" Mikau said sarcastically.

"Well…there is quite a lot of…division…over the issue," Sheik said, bursting out laughing immediately afterward. "Get it? _Division? _Because you have to divide in the problem, you know, division?"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it: you're hilarious. Anyway, something that's bound to make you look smarter is: politics!" With a conspiratorial wink, he continued, "You don't even really have to know anything of much substance, either. Just string a few words of political jargon in a sentence and most people will pretend to know what you're talking about so they don't seem stupid."

"Well, I don't know. I think Zelda is pretty informed on politics," Link protested.

"Nonsense!" argued Sheik, who was currently occupied with shaking up a can of soda, "Nobody at the high school knows anything about it, trust me!"

"Okay, then what do I talk about?" asked Link, not completely comfortable with the situation, but secretly glad for any help he could get.

"Hey Dad!" Sheik yelled at the top of his lungs, "What do you think of President Pierce?"

"The damn idiot should stop meddling in foreign affairs and bring our tax dollars back to domestic policies, that's what I think!" his dad bellowed back just as loudly.

"There," said Sheik at a normal volume, "just say that." With a "snick" sound, he popped open his can, only to have the agitated liquid froth violently out of the top. Frantically, he tried to sip up the bubbling liquid as it spilled down the sides of the can.

After a moment of silently watching the struggle, Mikau said exasperatedly, "Well, what did you think would happen?"

* * *

"So, Zelda, I was watching the news yesterday. Don't you think President Pierce should stop wasting our tax dollars on foreign soil and focus more on his promised domestic policies?" Link said, immediately taking a bite of his pizza afterward.

Zelda thoughtfully sipped her milk and then replied, "Yes, but I think he needs to make some serious changes before then. After all, one of his main economic programs requires an almost crippling level of inflation, and I think there has to be a better way to stimulate the country."

Link quietly swallowed his pizza and nodded like he understood. Mikau had been right about people and politics, apparently.

* * *

"So, it didn't work?" Mikau affirmed after seeing Link's downtrodden face.

"No. She started talking about…inflating things and I got confused," Link admitted, running a hand over his face.

"No worries, no worries, ol boy," Sheik said confidently, "After all, even the diffident bee eventually coats its legs in pollen."

"…What the hell is that even supposed to mean?" Mikau said, throwing up his arms in laughing incredulity.

"Hey, don't get upset because I'm too smart for you," Sheik said offhandedly, reclining in a chair and promptly toppling backward with a wild flailing of arms.

Link, meanwhile, had quietly picked up the notebook and was scanning its contents doubtfully. "Is there anything else that could work?"

Mikau pondered for a moment over the list before stabbing a dramatic finger down in triumph. "There! It's not really a trait, but girls always appreciate it when you give them gifts. I guess it kinda makes you look wealthy, too."

"What am I supposed to get her? Should I…buy her a book, or something?" Link mused out loud, looking hopefully between his two friends.

"Lord no," Sheik scoffed, waving a hand in the air dismissively, "You need something that screams romance, you know?"

Link just blinked expectantly at Sheik, proving that he, in fact, did not know.

"A rose!" Sheik exclaimed. "Really, man, how can you not know this?"

"Isn't that kind of…cheesy?" Link ventured, not fully convinced.

"Cheesy? _Cheesy_?" Sheik reiterated, rising slowly out of his chair in a dramatic manner.

"Oh boy," Mikau muttered under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Surely, sir," Sheik continued, "you are not implying that the greatest symbol of romance and love in general, tested through time and tribulation, is a _cheesy_ gesture? Surely you are not calling that beautiful and timeless flower shared between lovers of every age and culture a _cheesy_ choice of gift?" Having risen out of his seat, he now climbed on top of the chair. He put a fist on his hip and gestured fiercely, "A rose is the greatest testament to love and devotion, of everlasting commitment and a connection between two souls!"

"And it's also a relatively cheap way to win over almost any girl, right?" Mikau slyly said, a smirk on his face.

"My point-in-case exactly," Sheik finished, flopping down into the chair.

"Whatever," Mikau sighed, "Anyway, yeah, a rose is probably a good idea. Just one isn't terribly expensive, either, but it _appears_ expensive."

"Okay. So…maybe I could just put it in her locker anonymously?" Link guessed, looking at Mikau for approval.

"Good idea," Mikau agreed. When Link stood there motionless, Mikau gave him a push toward the stairs and said, "Well, get to it, man!"

* * *

Link walked to Zelda's locker at the end of the day, his heart hammering in anticipation. She ought to have gotten the rose by now. All he had to do was gauge her reaction and, hopefully, reveal himself as the mysterious admirer.

"Hey, Zelda," he greeted her, leaning on the locker next to hers.

"Oh, hey Link," she said back, shoving a heavy book back into her locker. She had the rose in her arms and looked a little distracted.

"Who's this from?" Link asked, pointing to the red rose sticking out of one of her folders.

"Oh, I don't know," she said, and she frowned a little as she glanced at the flower.

Uh oh. Panic leapt through Link. "What's wrong? I thought most girls like roses," he said offhandedly, trying not to appear too concerned.

"Yeah, well," she began, running a hand distractedly through her hair, "ever since I found out about the unsafe conditions the Columbians who export most of our roses work under, I've been a bit turned off to them."

"Oh. That sounds interesting," Link said, trying to match his words even as his heart sunk a little. He walked down the hall with her, staying quiet while she expounded upon the subject.

* * *

"So, Link, does she know it was you?" Mikau asked with a grin, holding his hand up in anticipation of a high-five.

"No, and hopefully she never will," Link said, downcast, and slumped on the couch.

"What? Why?" Mikau asked, puzzled, and slowly lowered his hand.

"Apparently she hates the unhealthy conditions behind the rose industry," Link said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. "Oh, and she doesn't like diamonds, either, for future reference."

"Alright then," Mikau said, clapping his hands together optimistically, "We'll just have to try another approach."

"Hey, I wanna pick one this time!" Sheik shouted suddenly from his nearly-immobile position on the floor. Seconds later, the notebook was chucked roughly at his stomach. Sheik read through the notes carefully, taking his time and acting as if this was an extremely important decision.

Mikau sighed in impatience, "Come on, Sheik—"

"Quiet!" Sheik interrupted, holding up a finger for silence, "I'm creating tension."

Link and Mikau just gave eachother a look and rolled their eyes exaggeratedly.

"Aha! Drum-roll, please," Sheik requested. Link and Mikau conceded, half-heartedly slapping a nearby table for a few seconds. "Thank you. The winner is…sensitivity!" Sheik declared, leaping from his prone position and jabbing at the scrawled word on the page.

"How am I supposed to show off sensitivity?" Link asked, somewhat bewildered.

"Simple! I've already got this one all planned out for you," Sheik assured him with a grin. "People who write poetry are supposed to be all introspective and deep, right? Right! So, you pretend to write some poetry and just "accidentally" let her see you writing it. She'll be all like, "Oh Link, I didn't know you could write poetry! You're so sensitive! I want to dance with you under an apple tree and bear your children!" and all that jazz. Trust me: this one's gold!"

"O…kay," Link said slowly, accepting Sheik's explanation for the most part. "But there's one problem: I can't write poetry."

"I never said you needed to, did I?" Sheik said, a scheming grin on his face. "Just copy down an existing poem and pretend it's yours."

"So, commit plagiarism?" Link said skeptically.

"Well, if you don't publish it I don't think it really counts," Mikau interjected, shrugging his shoulders.

"I've got a poem of mine you can use, actually. I found this one about a farmer who loves his job, or something. There's a bunch of style things and fancy words in it, so it should impress her," Sheik offered.

* * *

Link hesitantly opened his notebook to a new page and took out his pen. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Zelda, who was using their study time to read her history chapter; she didn't look terribly excited about it. This would probably be a good chance to get her attention. Discreetly, he pulled the printed poem out from a folder. He frowned at the title: "The Harvest Calls to the Farmer." Why did Sheik think a poem about farming was impressive? Oh well. He skimmed it and saw that it, indeed, did employ an advanced vocabulary and seemed to use a lot of literary devices.

He began copying it down line for line, really not bothering to read what he was writing. When he was finished, he slipped the printed copy back into a folder, stretched his fingers, and rose from his seat. He went over to the windowsill and made a show out of blowing his nose. He watched from the corner of his eye as Zelda leaned over his desk and scanned what he had just written. Link grabbed another tissue and pretended to blow his nose again, secretly watching as Zelda finished reading. Finally, she leaned back into her seat, a slightly disturbed look on her face. Oh crap. What could have gone wrong now?

When he sat back down, Link read the poem intensely. His cheeks turned bright red as he digested the meaning.

* * *

"Do you _know_ what that poem is about?" Link exclaimed, gripping his hair frustratedly with both hands.

"A farmer who loves to farm, what else?" Sheik said, unconcerned.

"Polygamy! It's about _polygamy_!" Link moaned, defeated. "I can't even remember all the sexual innuendos in there, either," he added, a melancholy and moody look crossing his features.

"Whoa, I never got that out of it," Sheik said nonchalantly.

"Wait a minute," Mikau interrupted, "So, you got all that out of a poem that we two could barely read, but you didn't know what _inflation_ was?"

"I never said I was good at Government," Link said defensively. With a depressive sigh, he turned to the couch and flopped face down on it.

"Hey, Link," Mikau said, turning his attention to the woebegone boy, "Really, don't worry. There's plenty else we can do." He picked up the notebook and pointed confidently to another item on the list. "Here, this one is sure to attract her. You really don't have to say anything. In fact," he mused, "it actually helps if you do the whole brooding silence thing."

Link turned his head slowly to look at the notebook. "Bad-assery?" he read, uncertainty leaking into his voice.

"Ah, a classic!" Sheik said with a smile.

"And it works?" Link asked, still far from convinced.

"Yeah, it works. We just need to fine-tune your image: darken up your wardrobe, mess up that combed hair of yours, work on the way you walk…"

"Hey!" Sheik interjected with a snap of his fingers, "my uncle has an old motorcycle in his garage!"

"…and teach you to drive a motorcycle," Mikau conceded with a smirk.

* * *

"Guys…is this really necessary?" Link asked uncomfortably, pulling at the sleeves.

"Of course. A leather jacket is the core of a badass look," Mikau said, digging through his messy drawers for anything else they could add.

"But it's eighty degrees outside," Link said, looking woefully at the cheery sun outside.

"Irrelevant," Sheik said matter-of-factly, taking a crunch out of an apple from the corner of the room. "Now come on, it'll probably take you longer to get to school since you're on the bike."

"But…won't I be going faster?" Link asked, confused.

"Yeah, but you've also got to add in all the time you'll need to peel yourself off the road along the way," Sheik said, deadpan, and threw the apple core into the trash can.

"…What?" said Link weakly, following his two friends out the door.

* * *

"…Link?" Zelda whispered, concern in her voice.

"Wha…?" Link asked, barely able to keep his eyes open against the heat.

"Are you okay? You look terrible," she furrowed her eyebrows in worry.

"Yeah. 'm great," Link muttered as a drop of sweat rolled down his back under the leather jacket. He absentmindedly rubbed at the sore skin around a large asphalt-induced scrape on the palm of his hand. He swayed a little in his seat as black dots started popping up in his vision.

"Link," said the teacher sharply from the front of the classroom, "maybe you'd like to write the answer to this problem on the board and explain it to us, since you seem to be in such a talkative mood?"

Link stood up slowly, and even that small movement nearly made him topple over. "Actually, m'am," he began, and then fell to the floor with an impressive thud.

* * *

Link woke up to the feeling of someone running their fingers through his hair. He cracked his eyes open blearily to see Zelda smiling at him.

"Hey," she said quietly, surreptitiously drawing her hand away.

"Hey," he croaked, still blinking against the bright fluorescent light. "Nurse's office?" He asked after taking in the appearance of the room.

"Yeah. They dragged you down here after you passed out. School got out a couple minutes ago, so I decided to wait for you," she explained.

"Whoa. I hit my head pretty hard, I guess?" Link said, reaching up to touch his forehead. He noticed his hand was bandaged, and he guessed the nurse had seen to his other scrapes as well.

"Yeah," she giggled. Suddenly, her mood changed and she bit her lip worriedly. "Link," she began hesitantly, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You've just…been acting strange lately. Is something wrong at home, or…nevermind, it's none of my business," she said, stopping herself. She stood up and held out her hand to him with a smile. "Let's get you home."

Silently, he took her hand and stood up, taking a moment to let his legs reestablish themselves. They walked down the mostly-empty hallways, each lost in their own thoughts. Suddenly, Link stopped and turned to Zelda.

"Zelda…I need to tell you something," he said firmly, gathering up every ounce of courage he had.

"What is it Link?" She asked, apparently surprised by his determination.

"The reason I've been acting weird lately. I guess I…the reason I did all those things…I was trying to impress you, Zelda," he finally admitted.

"Impress me? Why?" She asked, but he could see the recognition dawning on her face.

"I like you, Zelda, and I guess I wanted you to notice me," Link said, trying his hardest to keep his eyes on hers.

He watched anxiously as Zelda took in the information; he searched her face for any sign of what she might be thinking. She didn't seem repulsed or anything along those lines, but his hands still shook a little with nervousness.

After a moment, a mischievous grin crept onto Zelda's face. "So, Link," she began, and his heart hammered as she stepped closer to him, "do you just _like_ me or do you _like_ like me?"

He grinned back at her, relieved by the lighthearted way things seemed to be going. "Well, I'd have to say I _like_ like you. It's probably safe to say I also like _like_ like you, too, if that's possible," Link said jokingly, playing along.

She laughed and tapped him affectionately on the nose. "But seriously, Link," she chided, "although I will admit I love the new hair, you didn't need to try and impress me."

"Really?" Link asked, feeling just a little bit foolish, but subconsciously reaching a hand up and playing with his hair.

"Yeah," Zelda said, smiling sweetly at him and shyly taking his other hand with hers, "because I happen to _like_ like you just the way you are."

* * *

Link chuckled under his breath as they walked home together. For some reason, he'd just gotten a mental image of Sheik striking a triumphant chord on his air guitar, finishing the song to cheers and applause; if there was any way to describe the way Link was feeling now, he'd have to say it was something similar to that.


End file.
